Haya’s Crappy Blog

i didn’t sleep last night. well, i did took a short nap around 1 hour or so.
i went to fetch din at the section 17 bus station at 5.30am this morning.
we had breakfast at dawood and a chatting session.
okay, not really breakfast because we didn’t eat but we had a drink.
yes, he’s got back from kedah. and i’m happy.
it was funny listening to his stories. he’s so hilarious.
i was even laughing at his sad and tragic stories.
anyway, i only slept for about 3 hours today so far.
i’m so exhausted and sleepy and hungry and lazy and hot.
the weather is hot. i’m living in the wrong country.
i’m so hungry because i haven’t eaten my breakfast and lunch.
and please pity me because there is nothing nice for me to eat at home.
i need to study since i have research method exam tomorrow evening.
but i’m too lazy to study because it’s hot and i’m tired and i can’t concentrate.
i need motivation. lalala. this is another reason to not blame myself for being lazy.

everyone has ambitions and dreams. but what’s mine?
when i was small, i used to want to be so many things.
i wanted to be a teacher. that was dumb. wow, i feel so ashamed.
i wanted to open a restaurant. i think it was a bakery. or a cake shop.
as i grew up, my dreams changed. little kiddies don’t think much.
my biggest dream was to be a japanese interpreter.
i became the school interpreter when the exchange students came from japan.
owh, how i hate being used by the teachers at that time.
the teachers would only talk to me when they needed my help. otherwise, i was invisible.
teachers only sucked up to rich kids whose parents had titles and lived in big bungalows.
i don’t hold any grudges against those kids as long as they don’t disturb my life.
but i hated the teachers. my school teachers were materialistic. damn them.
owh, and even the school kids whom i didn’t know would talk to me at that time.
just so that i can be their messenger for the japanese exchange students.
ugh! i’m not a machine at your service, okay. damn all of you!
then, i also wanted to be a japanese translator.
i actually wanted to translate japanese comics into malay language.
just finding for a reason to read japanese comics for free. haha.
unfortunately, my japanese is so horrible.
having a japanese mother definitely doesn’t help.
then, i wanted to be a linguist. i wanted to learn so many languages.
i’m able to speak malay, english and japanese language.
i studied french language for 3 semesters.
and i always wanted to understand cantonese and mandarin.
having chinese friends really influenced me a lot.
my mom is encouraging me to learn korean language.
but i’m just too lazy to make the extra effort to learn another language.
owh, i can speak and understand other dialects too.
the kedah dialect and the sabah dialect. haha.
anyway, that’s not an advantage, i suppose.
at one point, my dad asked me to be an accountant.
just because i studied accounting during form 4 and form 5.
and i continued studying accounting in matriculation college.
doesn’t mean that i have interest in accounting. i hated it.
i decided to study tourism management for a reason that i wanted to travel.
my mom wanted me to be an ambassador and live at a foreign country.
and then i’d marry a foreign guy and live happily ever after.
and never to return back to malaysia. my mom’s dream. haha.
that’s not going to happen if i’m studying in malaysia.
you need to send me to study overseas if you want that to happen.
when i was in secondary school, i learned to play the piano.
i completed my grade 8 practical exam with a pass last year. bravo!
the sad thing is that i flunked my grade 7 theory exam twice. haha.
i always hated doing theory because i was really bad at composing.
i still don’t understand the concept of all those chords. i never did.
i also had a dream of being a pianist and perform at hotels.
that’s also a lame dream. impossible to achieve. especially since i’m lazy.
can you imagine, i never really did practice for my exam pieces.
i would only practice at least an hour before class starts.
i’d practice the 1st and 2nd piece because it’s not so difficult.
and i’d skip not practicing the 3rd piece because it’s hard and boring.
then i’d practice my scales because i don’t want my teacher shouting at me.
she always scolds me for playing the scales with wrong fingerings.
piano class on every saturday morning was a torture for me back then.
i even thought of furthering my studies at the university in music.
thank goodness i didn’t do so. i would have suffered even more.
i wouldn’t want to have hair like beethoven’s due to stress studying music. haha.
i thought being a stewardess would be a good idea so that i can travel.
but hey, being stewardess means you have to have the looks.
and i’m not pretty although i might qualify in terms of education qualification.
working in the office would be boring, especially if i end up in the marketing department.
i studied marketing for 3 semesters and i never got anything better than a ‘B’.
doing ticketing might be good since i enjoyed studying ticketing last year.
but… it would be like being a travel agent. and it sounds kind of boring.
owh, i’m so picky. yeah, i know that. but what do you care?
now, i’m so lost and clueless and i don’t know what to be after i graduate.
there are so many job opportunities out there for me but nothing attracts me.
i’ll just try my luck and send out my resumes to whoever at whichever company.
and just attend to all their interviews if i was called for that.
and i’ll just accept any job which offers me good pay and employee benefits. haha.

i’ve been trying to search for songs, videos or anything related tp fujioka masaaki on the internet but it’s just so hard to find.
i only managed to find his audition clip on asayan.
and also his song titled ‘kousaten’.
i’m actually searching for his song titled ‘love’.
it’s one of my favorite songs.
when i first saw him around 5-6 years ago, i just fell in love with him.
i thought he looked a bit like jay chou, but way much better.
anyway, besides his looks, his songs are so touching.
getting his albums and singles here is obviously impossible.
even finding for his lyrics is so hard.
even on the japanese websites. damn.
i so want to listen to his songs!!!

i’ve been feeling a bit happy for this past few days.
the reason? i’m not sure myself.
but that doesn’t really matter.
what matters the most is, i’m happy!
i’m so happy because din will be back tomorrow!
can’t wait to see him again.
i miss him so much!!
and thanks to mel, for always being there for me.
thanks for your support!
thanks for your opinion!
thanks for your friendship!
and thanks for your love!
and no, we’re not lesbians.
we’re just friends. best friends.
someone has been making me smile.
it means nothing.
but what do i care? what do you care?
it’s a blessing for some people to see me smile.
or hear me laugh.
especially to my friends who care so much about me.
i’ve already gotten over my depression.
though not feeling quite happy yet.
but i feel a bit better.
and i’m recovering.
which is a good sign.
may god bless me.

din is on his way back to kedah right now.

i wish him a safe journey home.

i was the last person to see him before he got on the bus.

yes, i sent him to the bus station at section 17.

i felt ultimately sad, sending him off.

i cried so hard on my way back home.

he might be going back to kedah. for good.

and returning back here is not really guranteed.

he packed all his belonging and there’s nothing left at his house.

his dad has found him a job at a friend’s company.

if the job is good and din enjoys it, he will stay.

but if he finds it not interesting, he’ll return to shah alam.

i always wish for him to have a better job and better life.

but i wish for him to come back to shah alam.

i miss him so much. and i’m going to miss him so much.

he’s one of my closest guy friends i ever have.

i won’t call him my best friend because he won’t consider me as his.

the reason why, to him,  i’m just a friend is because i’m a girl.

such a lame and lousy reason. doesn’t even make sense. haha.

as a friend, i can only wish, hope, and pray for the best for him.

may god bless him.

now that i was asked…
i wonder…
who my first love was…
it’s not the first time i’ve been asked last night…
had a few people ask me the same question…
but i was never able to give an answer…
as someone once told me…
you can have a bunch of first loves…
but there will be only one true love…
someone thinks i’m his first love…
he thinks? i think? hmmm…
anyway, as i can’t answer anything about my first love…
let’s talk about my crush…
i’ve had a few or maybe too many crushes…
and the count starts from when i was in primary school…
i won’t state any names here…
it’s for me to know and for you to find out…
no one interesting to talk about back in primary school…
i had a few crushes back when i was in secondary school…
when i was in form 1, i had a crush on a chinese guy…
when i was in form 2, i had a crush on a chinese guy…
when i was in form 3, i had a crush on a chinese guy…
when i was in form 4, i had a crush on a chinese guy…
when i was in form 5, i had a crush on a chinese guy…
now that the list has been narrowed down to only chinese guys…
you can make all the guess you want to…
let me know who you have guessed. haha…
another reason why i don’t wan to write down their names…
because most of the people in my friendster list are from school…
although that’s all in the past…
but still…
a secret is a secret…
and a secret is what makes a woman a woman…
anyway, even if anyone have guessed my crushes right…
i won’t admit it. haha…
but just make a guess…
it would be fun to think back on how naive we were back in high school…

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we’d never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don’t know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don’t want to be
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don’t want to be,
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

[Bridge:]
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don’t want to live this life
I don’t want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything’s changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love ,
with you?

i’m out of words to write or to say.
i can’t express my true feelings honestly.
i’m losing it. i’m losing myself.
day by day. as time goes by.
it gets harder for me.
the world is a cruel place to live in.
and i’m struggling to live my life.

誓い

願いを　こめた流れ星が夜空を駆けてく目指した場所までは遠くてため息　こぼれるたしかな想いは　届くはず

* 胸に誓うよ永遠(とわ)に果てしない道も乗り越えてゆくとたどり着くまでそのときまではきっとあきらめないから

ゴールは終わりじゃなくてまた　次への始まり扉を開ければ　続いてるまぶしい世界が期待と不安で　加速する

風が走るよ　生まれたての景色に胸が高鳴る迷わずゆくよ　見慣れた世界を背に新しい舞台へ

祝福の鐘を空に鳴らし大切な人に届けよう

風が走るよ　生まれたての明日に胸が高鳴るふりかえらずに　このまま歩き出そう新しい舞台へ

* repeat

重ねた手にはずっと光続ける　誓いを

Guys…
realize that the girl holding onto u..
is PERFECT in her own special way.

The way she laughs..
The way she sleeps..
The way she loves you
The way she tries to please you…
Always remember that.

She can always get up and walk away,
getting someone else who can love her more.
For all you know there is someone out there wooing her already,
but she is rejecting,
a maybe perfect love for her..

There might also be someone out there…
who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now,
fufill her every need and love her as much as she loves you.

Understand that.
Imagine this, guys.
When you are holding her today…
and then you cheat on her by hugging and kissing another gal.
and then you run back to her…
and u do the same….
but you see love in her eyes…
What do you think?
Do you feel the hurt?
Can you feel the guilt?
She loves you not because you are good looking,
have money,
or because you buy her things…
She loves you because she loves you so.
And there is no need for a reason for her to love you.