Haya’s Crappy Blog

now that sam has gone back to college, i need to focus.
focus on my studies. focus on my exams. focus on myself.
listen to music. and sing. and play the guitar. and the piano.
and i need to eat too. i can’t afford to lose weight anymore.
41kg is too extremely underweight for my height.
and i need to get enough sleep. i’ve been sleeping at 5am everyday.
and i need to watch tv. i missed so many episodes of honey and clover.
can i scream? i so want to scream right now.
i’ll keep my finger crossed, hoping that the exams won’t be hard.
and it better end soon. i’m going insane. lalala…

met up with sam and din for 2 consecutive days.

i’ve been meeting them almost everyday lately.

but that’s not going to happen anymore.

sam is going back to college today.

din is going back to kedah this saturday.

i am so going to miss them. a lot!

especially sam…

i do hope din will come back to shah alam.

and as for sam, i don’t know when i’ll be able to meet him again.

i miss him a lot.

kizuita. kizukaretai. kizukareta.

mitsumetai. mitsumeraretai. mitsumerareta.

dakitai. dakaretai. dakareta.

koi shitai. koi shita.

aishitai. aisaretai. aisareta.

aishiteru. zutto.

TEN:
You feel shy whenever they’re around.

NINE:
You smile when you hear their voice.

EIGHT:
When you look at them, you can’t see the other people around you, you just see him/her.

SIX:
They’re all you think about.

FIVE:
You realize you’re always smiling when you’re looking at them.

FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.

THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number seven was missing.

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

I didn’t mean it
When I said I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should’ve let you go
I didn’t know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn’t have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I’d be
Sitting here beside myself
‘Guess I didn’t know you
‘Guess I didn’t know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I’m feeling
Now that I don’t
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
‘Cause I don’t have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn’t give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, ’cause baby

[Chorus:]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please, ’cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up?
Who’s gonna take your place?
There ain’t nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

I can’t sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack’s on the radio
Singing to me
‘If you think you’re lonely now’
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it’s breaking my heart
I’m trying to keep it together
But I’m falling apart
I’m feeling all out of my element
I’m throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain’t even half of what
I’m feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life
(in my life, in my life), baby

[Chorus]

Baby!

[Repeat chorus]

When you left
I lost a part of me
It’s still so hard to believe
Come back, baby, please, ’cause
We belong together
Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who’s gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up?
Who’s gonna take your place?
There ain’t nobody better.
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

i was in a tunnel of darkness.

i was alone.

i was scared.

no one was there for me.

but i finally found a way out.

i finally saw the light.

the light of hope.

and welcoming arms.

someone was waiting for me.

at the other side of the darkness.

with open arms.

and a warm hug.

the hand which held me tight.

i felt a caring, honest, and warm love.

it made my fears disappear.

i gained my confidence.

i was given the faith to go on.

i may still be unstable.

but i know…

and i believe…

the person who was waiting for me at the other side of the darkness…

will catch me when i fall…

guess what…
i…
well…
like…
but…
however…
somehow…
anyway…
i thought…
although…
eventually…
i believe…
even though…
therefore…
in the end…
i suppose…
because…
actually…
in fact…
despite…
since…
moreover…
so…
i wish…
i bet no one knows what i’m talking about.
that’s good.
because i don’t think anyone would want to know about it.
it’s holy shit.
just a bunch of craps.
and i believe no one bothers.

i want to turn back time.
i want to reverse everything.
i want to press the rewind button.

tomorrow is my first day of exam.
have i been studying? no.
why? because i can’t study.
i cry everytime i look at my book.
it’s so torturing. it’s so dreadful.
i’m in a serious state of depression.
playing the piano or guitar won’t make me feel better.
listening and singing to my favorite songs won’t make me feel better.
talking and meeting my friends won’t make me feel better.
i’ve lost weight again. i don’t eat anymore. i can’t sleep at night.
i have a series of crying marathon all night long.
let me write down what i texted isz last night…
haya: i cry everytime i try to read the book. i feel tortured. i can’t study at all. i don’t know what to do…
isz: you’re gonna die in 7 days. haha. you need to see a psychiatrist.
haya: amin. if only i could die in 7 days.
so… basically, i can’t do anything about my current condition and situation.
i’m so helpless. i wish someone can actually help me.
and, wish me luck in my final exams. i don;t think i’ll be studying for the finals.

yesterday was roket’s open house.

i went with sam and din.

first thing, i went to sam’s house to wake him up.

didn’t realize din was there.

he was curled up like a shrimp. haha.

saw this guy who happens to be my senior, and he was roket’s brother.

what a small world…

also met dewa and mus and a bunch of 7-eleven staffs and ex-staffs.

the rendang and the layer cake were delicious.

after a while, we left and went to pak li kopitiam.

pak li kopitiam is everyone’s hang out place. it’s always full.

but at least it’s better than hakim restaurant.

at night, i followed the guys for a futsal match.

i didn’t play. i just followed along. but didn’t watch anyway.

wasn’t really in the mood last night. i called mel. i called lea.

i wanted to call all my friends last night. i was down.

i didn’t know who to talk to at that time.

i also wanted to call hakim and muni and syaz. sad case.

but i got everything settled. for the moment.

hope everything will be fine after this.

i’m still not done with crying. i still want to cry out loud.

i did on my way back home. but it’s not enough.

i want to cry more. and scream. and throw things.

i need a counselor. i might be breaking down. damn.